Up Close and Personal

I've been working up the courage for WEEKS to be able to write something more personal again. I know, I know. That's a really stupid thing to say when VOLUNTARILY keeping a blog that maybe 10 people total read. Let me explain.

After the initial heartbreak of my "academic exclusion" (my new favorite euphemism, by the way) from good ol' Cecil C. Humphreys School of Law (and for the record, no I did not fail any classes, you Nosies, not that it matters now anyway)(there are too many little asides in here already, aren't there?)and my announcement of my "exclusion" (see earlier post, The Rest of the Story), I decided that I was going to start being super private about anything going on in my life. See, somewhere around my sophomore year at UT, the filter on my mouth was removed and I became a world-class blurter. Like the time I told my OL class that I was having a bad week because I was trying to cover up four hickeys on my neck(I know I mentioned that another time. I'm secretly proud of my ability to bruise so well). Or the time I told my entire English class that I had an odd Spring Break because one of my friends came out of the closet. Nervous laughter from thirty students. My professor commenting that at least my friend and I had no more secrets. Open mouth, insert shoe store. Ok right. Back on track. Anyway, I decided that I was no longer going to fill anyone in on the bigger things in life. Like just let things be a secret. That way, if something major falls through, like law school, for example, nobody would know. I wouldn't have to fake my death and move to Mexico as planned. I could just pick another back-up plan and move on. I cut back on my Facebook statusing too, so that I could just be some kind of mystery (like anybody noticed. I can be so self-absorbed sometimes)and fade into the shadows. Who am I kidding? I love talking about myself! I hate the shadows, and I love sharing my feelings, whether anybody else cares or not. It's hard to deny who you are.

I'm pleased to share that at the end of this month, I will be starting the Master's program in English, Composition Studies, back at the University of Memphis. I've definitely had some moments where I feel like I'm taking a big step-down, that the maintenance guy at my apartment complex is going to be sad that I'm not gonna get that JD, and that my parents are secretly going to hang their heads in disgust at my failure. I even asked my mom if she would make the drive to see me graduate. "Why wouldn't I?" "Because," I said, putting on my best pathetic face, "It's just a Master's." My mother is definitely not a make-you-feel-good kind of person. "S***! I'd love to just finish my degree." (I'm not sure my mom actually cursed there. It just sounds better in my head like that.) I cowered and began to process that perspective.

I can't even begin to describe how lucky I feel to have this opportunity. The pity parties I've thrown myself and the self-deprecation have to stop! What are the odds that the deadline for a graduate program focusing on my favorite subject in the free world was August 1st? I had ample time to apply, study, take the GRE, and be admitted. My student loans have been reinstated, I still have my apartment for the next year, and the friends I've made in Memphis aren't going anywhere. In fact, one of my law school friends is going into the EXACT same program! It's been so great to have her there to check in with and talk things over with. I appreciate it, LB :) Let's not forget that my tuition is cheaper, I'll later have the opportunity to be a Graduate Assistant, and I probably won't have to sip Sutter Home's $8.99 jumbo-sized bottle of White Merlot to depress my nerves enough to breathe while doing homework.

I'm FINALLY realizing that I am blessed. Sure, I'm still bummed about law school, and yeah, if given the choice I'd rather be heading back to Cecil C's. It kills me that I can't finish what I started, and that I one day decide to try it again, I have to start all over; however, there's no way I can deny that the Lord is taking care of me through all this. He's shown me so many people who support me. He's provided an opportunity to begin again and given me the means to do so. There have been weeks this summer that I couldn't bring myself to even pray. I just felt like anything I asked for or the praise I was supposed to give was worth nothing. I've avoided my Bible because the devotions I read just sounded like crap. But now, trying to reflect back on the last few months, it amazes me that our holy and perfect God continued to love me when I couldn't love myself. This all sounds self-righteous and holier-than-thou, I'm sure. I'm just glad that Jesus is still faithful, even when I'm not.

I've got about an hour and a half left until I am free from my job in a cubicle for.ever. I'll be packing up Knoxville tomorrow and heading back to the Memphis the day after that. I have no books, no clue what classes I'm taking, even how long the program is, or what I'm doing after, but I'm excited to see what these kooky English freaks are all about. The people in the English program at UT were an interesting lot, that's for sure. Probably why our building was always getting bomb threats. Hmm.

Okay, time to go buy a 50 lb bag of ammonium nitrate and a moleskin journal for my thoughts. Here's to hoping for another essential AmyPratt experience.


Disclaimer to the Feds: that thing about the ammonium nitrate was a joke, just in case Big Brother is going through my things right now.