Holy Matrimony!

It's after Midnight. I should be sleeping, or at the very least, getting ahead on my homework. But alas, I'm for some reason a bundle of energy and I find that the less I sleep, the better I am. I think that maybe the old Amy Pratt from a couple years ago is back. A little high strung and ready to go!

In the movie The Wedding Planner, Jennifer Lopez's character explains her talent for planning gorgeous weddings with the logic, "Those who can't, teach. Those who don't wed, plan!" Well, I'm not doing any wedding planning, but I do look at a lot of wedding pictures, see a lot of reality shows, and I've never had a wedding of my own obviously, so I think that gives me license to comment on the heinous decor and such that I've seen in these wedding pictures. Yes, my logic is fallacious. Sue me.

Maybe I'm biased, but I was in the most gorgeous wedding this summer, which is probably why nothing else I've seen depicted in wedding photos even compares. Still, it cracks me up to look at pictures with blindingly white plastic lattices and fake greenery and ginormous candelabras. I sure to goodness hope people don't have those things in their homes, so why would you want something so tacky as a backdrop for the said "happiest day of your life?" It makes no sense to me. There are just some things I'll never understand...

• Flower girls and ring bearers I could just be bitter that I never got to be a flower girl or jealous that my baby sister was practically booked every summer until the ripe age of 5 to scatter petals on the way to the alter. Still, I see no point in the anxiety that having small children in a wedding brings. Kids cry. They get embarrased and refuse to do what they're told. They fidget. They trip on the aisle runner. They are so darn cute. Bottom line, they take all the attention away from you, the blushing bride. You know you can't take your eyes off the ring bearer picking his nose during the vows. You don't remember how the bride's eyes welled with tears as the groom read the heartfelt promises he wrote himself. No. You're wishing the dang toddler would get his finger outta his nose and learn some manners. Or you completely missed the beauty of the string quartet playing Canon in D for the wailing of the "bashful" flower girl. Ugh. No thanks.
• Guest book attendants A friend and I used to always joke that we would make each other the "guest book girl" at each others' weddings if we ever had them, because it's quite possibly the most insulting role in a wedding (unless you have a gift table girl and/or bubble girl). It says "hey we're not close enough for you to be a bridesmaid/singer/instrument player or, heaven forbid, young enough to be the flower girl/junior bridesmaid, but your sister and best friend are and I just don't want you to feel left out/throw a fit/object at my wedding." I believe a guest book needs to explanation as to what should be done with it. Enough said.
  
• Unity Candles/Unity Sand/Unity Water Sure, it's a representation of 2 becoming 1, Christ with the Church, so on and so forth, but I feel like if you're at a wedding, you get the point of what's going on there and after. I believe it just makes us all feel awkward, kind of like when you take pictures of the bed you um, slept in, on your Honeymoon and show them to us and/or post them in public places. Not to mention people always rent out the most atrocious candelabras ever made and the puniest little candles and it just ruins said beautiful awkward moment.
  
• Throwing the bouquet You spent an obscene amount of money on those flowers and you just threw them to a pack of wild beasts who trample each other to catch them, besides the fact that the lucky female who catches them rarely is the next one to get married. Heck, I caught the bouquet at my aunt's wedding when I was 13 (thanks to some sweet rebounding skills I learned in Jr. Pro basketball before I became short), and here I am, nearly 10 years older and just as single as I was back then. Maybe it's some sort of punishment for not allowing the 20-somethings in back of me to feel a glimmer of hope and catch a glimpse of their future husband when they touched that magic bouquet.
  

I could go on about ugly cake toppers and poor music choices, but I'm gonna have to call it quits for tonight. It's likely that after all that I'll be cursed with a love for white plastic lattices and a life of loneliness. At least I'll have my pride.